Finding Safety and Strength Within and How the EFIT Tango Helps Us

Published in ICEEFT-Newsletter January 2025, dieser Text in deutscher Übersetzung

The Challenge of Holding Space for Others

Therapists encounter human suffering every day. It can be challenging to help couples, families, and individuals build secure bonds and find inner emotional balance and well-being. As EFT therapists, we give a lot. We connect with our clients as temporary attachment figures and as process consultants. We regulate intense emotions – not just those of our clients but also our own.

The Importance of Self-of-Therapist Work

At the EFT Summit in June 2024, we led a workshop entitled Finding Safety & Strength Within – Using the Power of the EFIT Tango for Self-Awareness and Self-Care. In our home communities, both of us place a strong emphasis on self-of-therapist work. From our personal and professional experience, we find it deeply rewarding when we attend to and care for our own vulnerable, hidden, unacceptable and denied parts. This not only allows us to grow alongside our clients but also, as many clinicians and recent research suggest, improves treatment outcome (Taghipour et al, 2024). Back in 2002, Sue and Gail highlighted, “Those therapists who know themselves well, including their strengths, conflicts and issues that activate countertransference, will be more able to effectively implement EFT.“

Moreover, experience has shown us that it is ethically and clinically essential to hone our self-awareness of our possible biases related to culture, different forms of diversity, life choices and even professional references. Our biases can also be obstacles to effective therapy.

The Role of Supervision in Therapist Growth

The standard EFT supervision model – now commonly called the ACES and HEARTS model – was first developed by Palmer-Olson, Gold and Woolley in 2011 and was based on a study of how therapists learn EFT. This model also supports the idea that self-awareness and self-care are essential for EFT therapists. From the ACES and HEARTS perspective, the person of the supervisee is more important than the issues this therapist presents with in supervision. The supervision process is isomorphic to the therapeutic process, and the supervisor or trainer is a temporary attachment figure who provides a safe base for the exploration of the supervisee’s own emotions and attachment needs and how these emotions and needs can get activated, creating blocks in therapy.

Thus, we believe that knowing ourselves makes us stronger and more effective therapists. We view self-awareness and the capacity to find safety and strength within ourselves as an essential, lifelong process of learning and growth with a positive impact on our effectiveness as therapists. As trainers and supervisors, we strive to put self-awareness and resourcing at the heart of our journey with supervisees and trainees (and we also apply this approach to ourselves). The EFT Tango and the crafting of specific visualization exercises help us in this endeavor.

The EFIT Tango as a Tool for Self-of-Therapist Work

Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy, or EFIT (Johnson and Campbell, 2022), incorporates the EFT Tango not only in explicit encounters with the therapist but also in imagined encounters with relevant others and parts of the self. The EFIT Tango is also a powerful tool for self-of-therapist work. In this article, we share two experiential exercises that focus on connecting with our stronger-wiser self while caring for our vulnerable parts, such as a younger or hurt self.

Understanding the Self and the Self-of-Therapist

Before we share these exercises, a word about the terms, “self” and “self of therapist” as used in this article.

The “self” is defined in EFT and attachment theory as an ongoing construction that happens in the context of social relationships. We build our sense of self through the eyes of others and through the culture we are immersed in. The self is, however, also rooted in the reality of the physical body, including elements such as temperament and how one’s nervous system is wired. In EFIT encounters, an inner child part of self represents the most vulnerable self. EFT and attachment science see identity as models of self and other, emotion regulation strategies and ways of engaging socially, which are all intertwined and self-generating (Johnson, 2019).

The term “self-of-therapist” refers here to a process that involves becoming aware of and attending to issues related to the life of the therapist’s self that affect their therapy both positively and negatively (Taghipour et al, 2024).

Emotional Balance and Its Impact on Therapy

When we are in a balanced and „safe enough“ state, we can experience the widest range of emotions, the most energy, hope, and creativity. When our nervous system is in this “green zone,” we are most effective in our work and more able to be attuned to our patients. Self-awareness is also facilitated by emotional balance. When we are emotionally balanced, we can more easily distinguish in session between what is part of our inner world and what belongs to our client. Our inner experience can be a source of wisdom rather than blinding us or overwhelming us in the therapy room.

Recognizing Our Own Coping Strategies

We all know what it feels like to experience fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. These are natural states that occur in situations of insecurity, unsafety, or danger, as part of how our brains and nervous systems react. We are all familiar with coping and protective strategies. Thanks to the seminal work of John Bowlby, we know that our attachment contexts shape how we deal with stress and emotions from the very beginning.

Becoming aware of ourselves – our own emotion regulation strategies, attachment wounds, and our patterns of interacting with others, especially under threat – is the first and essential step towards finding greater safety and strength within, both as a therapist and as a person. In our work with supervisees and trainees (and with ourselves!), we use the EFIT Tango. The beauty of the EFIT Tango lies in its versatility: It serves as a macro intervention that can be applied to the different needs we experience as therapists. We can use it to resource and soothe, as well as to challenge more vulnerable or denied parts. As always in our work, we must be mindful of the window of tolerance (Siegel, 1999) for our clients, supervisees, and ourselves. Are we grounded enough in our nervous system to lean in and process deeper vulnerability – our own frightening, alien, and unacceptable emotions? Some vulnerable parts may only be approached with the safe and warm presence of a stronger, wiser other in our personal or professional environment. We all sometimes need an empathic and safe other to help us recognize and validate our blind spots.

Next, we present two exercises, the first one is an example for a resourcing Tango and the second, for an exploring Tango. In both, we work with different parts of the self. We first want to be anchored in the present moment, feeling regulated within our nervous system, balanced and centered enough in our “green zone” or “sweet spot” to engage afterwards with more vulnerable emotions without becoming overwhelmed or falling back into old patterns of defense or protection.

Our first Tango exercise offers a way to deepen the connection with ourselves and our inner strength, using the concept and metaphor of the stronger, wiser self. You can practice in a dyad with a trusted colleague, or if it feels safe, do it with yourself. While self-regulation never replaces the need for interpersonal relationships and secure attachment with others, we consider it a valuable experience for strengthening and expanding our self-awareness and our relationship with ourselves.

Tango Exercise 1: Connecting with a Stronger, Wiser Self

Prepare yourself: Connect with yourself in the here and now, in whatever way feels right for you. How does it feel to sense your body sitting in the chair and your feet grounded on the floor? Can you lean back into your chair? Take a moment and breathe – inhale and exhale at your own rhythm. Allow your breathing to be just as it is. Simply take a moment to be with yourself. If thoughts slip in, just notice them without getting caught up in them. If any hurt or pain arises, simply acknowledge it without staying stuck. If it feels good for you, close your eyes.

Move 1: Now, connect with a part of yourself that we might call your stronger, wiser self. How do you relate to this part of yourself? Visualization might be facilitated by placing the image of your stronger, wiser self at the foot of the Tree of Life (your personal image). What kind of tree do you see? Take a few moments to meet and experience your stronger, wiser self. What’s going on within and between? Feel free to deepen a Move 1 or to make it short.

Move 2: How does it feel to encounter this part of yourself? Maybe you notice it in certain parts of your body. How does it feel at this moment? Are any emotions, thoughts, or meanings arising? Is there something that you feel drawn to do? Take a few moments to experience your stronger, wiser self by exploring the elements of affect: trigger; bodily felt sense; meaning making; and action tendency.

Move 3: Would you like to share with your stronger, wiser self how you’re feeling right now? Is there anything you’d like to ask this part of yourself? Do you want to ask for help with something? Take your time with this encounter. Notice if your stronger, wiser self has a message or physical response for you.

Move 4: Process what happens as you listen to the message or receive the response from your stronger, wiser self. How do you feel it in your body? What feelings or thoughts are emerging? How is your breathing? Does something change within?

Move 5: As you gently return, take a moment to validate your encounter with your stronger, wiser self. Is there anything you would like to carry into your daily life from this experience?

It is common that we, as therapists, sometimes feel triggered or blocked in situations with our clients and there are common obstacles that we recognize within our EFT communities. For instance, EFT therapists often struggle with how to remain balanced and calm in the face of avoidant or devaluing behavior from clients. Managing anger and escalation in the therapy room can also be challenging. Naturally, we are all influenced by our own attachment styles, trauma histories, and societal and cultural contexts. In EFT, we are committed to a humanistic approach, where the relationship between humans is sacred to us. Examining moments when we are triggered and working through them is not only an ethical responsibility but also an essential step toward cultivating our own strength and inner safety. Embracing our vulnerable parts helps us become emotionally and physically healthier in the long run.

We recommend experiencing this second tango exercise in a dyad with a trusted other who can guide you through the process as you remember a situation where you get triggered in a session. We invite you to connect with a more vulnerable part of self that you would like to be present with now – a part that you are curious to explore. Make sure the encounter is appropriate to the setting you choose and within your personal window of tolerance.

Tango Exercise 2: Engaging with a Vulnerable Part of Self

You can refer to it as a younger part of self, or an inner child part, however it is helpful for you.

Prepare yourself: Connect with yourself in whatever way feels right for you. Remember the connection to your stronger, wiser self.

Move 1: Recall a situation in a therapy session where a vulnerable part of you was triggered. What happened? What was the trigger and how did both you and your client respond? Did you find yourselves falling into a particular pattern, either within yourself or between you and your client(s)? Take a moment to reflect on whether this is a pattern you recognize from your own experiences or from other situations in your life. Deepen it if it feels right.

Move 2: Explore your vulnerable self through the elements of affect. What specifically triggered you? What was your immediate appraisal of the situation in your nervous system? How did your body respond, how did you feel it? What thoughts or messages did you say to yourself regarding you and your client? How did you react? Take a moment to fully feel your inner experience. Connect to your emotion as deeply as it feels safe to. Then take a few breaths. How do you see your inner vulnerable self? Does an image of a younger, vulnerable self emerge? Take a moment to visualize the age and environment where you see your younger vulnerable self in this moment.

Move 3: We invite you to an encounter between your stronger, wiser self and your younger self. Does your stronger, wiser self reach out to your younger self? Can you feel it? What do you want to say? What do you want to do? Does your younger self hear and feel the presence of your stronger, wiser self? Take your time with this encounter.

Move 4: How does your younger self feel right now, hearing and feeling the stronger, wiser you? Process what happens as you encounter yourself. How do you feel it in your body right now? What feelings or thoughts are emerging? How is your breathing? What happens through this encounter? What is changing?

Move 5: As you gently return, take a moment to validate and integrate your encounter with your younger vulnerable self. Is there anything emerging from it that pertains to the situation with your client? If it feels good, imagine again the situation with your client. How do you experience it now? Has something changed inside? How would you like to react now? Is it different from how you reacted before the encounter? Does your vulnerable self need anything more to integrate the experience or to be resourced from your stronger, wiser self? (For example, self-care, decision making, talking with a special other, getting a hug, training, or therapy.) Take a moment to debrief, take some more breaths and close the process.

The Privilege of Holding a safe Space

It is a true privilege for us to create and hold space for our clients so that they can experience connection and safety. We are lucky to have experiential tools that help us grow as therapists and human beings. We are convinced that the therapists who take this journey towards finding safety and strength within will find it very rewarding both professionally and personally.

Anne Belgram-Perkins, CPsych
ICEEFT-certified EFT Therapist, Supervisor & Trainer
EFT France

Christine Weiß (M.A., HP Psych.)
ICEEFT-certified Therapist, Supervisor and Trainer
Director of EFT Center Hannover, Germany

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